Could It Be?

I have a 4 year old.  For the past year and a half I have been trying to get her potty trained.

We have made a big deal out of it when she would use the potty, given prizes, bribed, and even told her people would take her away from us because we were not taking care of her the way we should if she didn't potty like a big girl.  Anything and everything was tried.  Nothing phased her.  She enjoyed the prizes and praise and even told us she would just kicked the people can run away from them.  Nothing seemed to make her want to potty.

How could this be so hard?  Don't people say girls are easier than boys?  (Though come on I never believed that.  They can aim at things in the potty girls can't so wouldn't that alone make it more fun?)  Or that I went through this with her sister and so it was supposed to be so much easier with the second one?  Ava seems to be the exception. 

Why do I not have the kids that start going at 18 months and are done at 2?  (Although I think that is too soon.  I started both girls at 2.  They are just hard headed)

So off to Walmart we went to get more pull ups - the cheap kind because they are expensive and why should she be comfortable when a 4 year should be potty trained?  I tried to be understanding and follow the don't push (okay so keep pushing in our case) but it is embarrassing to be seen with diapers still in the cart when the youngest is 4. 

I called the pull ups diapers because thats what she used them as.  She didn't even try to go potty.  Yes, we were told take them off and put big girl panties on her because she wouldn't like the way they would feel wet.  Surprise...... she didn't care!  So to save me from constant clean up back to the diapers we go. 

Luckily the local school here is the only one in the area that accepts unpotty trained kids into Pre K.  (They dont help train them.  They will just change the diaper).  I have even started looking into Homeschooling for next year.

It has been hard.  I feel that I have tried everything, exhausted every avenue, and even the Doctor said there was nothing else I could do.  It's up to Ava now.  It's hard though because it all falls back on the mother.  That is who people criticize not the dad because this is somehow the moms job.  I was at the end of my rope and would start crying every time I had to change her again. Most times I had her change herself.

Finally at one of our MOPS meetings I added "Ava potty training"  to the prayer list.  The list is then prayed over by our Mentor and also in her Prayer Group during the week.  A week later and Ava started going to the actual bathroom!  I had even stopped mentioning it - I had basically given up. 

It took me going to Heavenly Father to get it to work.  Why had I waited?  I'm sure I prayed for it before but I guess it was a half -hearted one.  You know the type, you ask but at the same time are planning the next thing to work out the situation. This time I knew it would take God to make it work.  I was out of ideas and could not seem to get through to her.  He did!  I am extremely grateful and feel blessed to have a God that I can come to and depend on.

It has been one week without diapers.  She still needs to get the hang of wiping but I can handle the laundry.  I am just happy she is finally a big girl!

The End Is Here

Last night I was on Facebook, feeling great.  I had had a great time with Justin (the husband), won a giveaway for a product I think is great (The I Like Book), and started my youngest daughters Pre K scrapbook.  Then I see a post by my former boss.  That feeling of cold dread set in as I read her words.
The liquidators set a date.  The last day Waldenbooks will be here is Wednesday the 14th. That is this week! She is having a "Good Bye" at the store for former employees and even customers.  Sadly, I do not drive and will miss it.
As you have hopefully gotten from my past several posts, this place has meant so much to me.  So yes, more tears are falling because this is the end.  I honestly thought I had gotten over the initial pain but last night I found myself crying again.  I have no idea how to explain what I am feeling.  In fact, you are probably still sitting, reading this and saying "It's just a store.  How can you be so upset over this? You're reaction is insane."  I guess I didn't capture the feeling when telling my tale of my time at Waldenbooks.  It has meant so much, I've met people who cared when I needed someone to care, I gained confidence working there, It felt like family.   There are still customers I wonder about since I no longer get to see them.
Former coworkers that I miss dearly.
I guess I never truly detached from the store since I always had planned on going back.
So don't be surprised if you see me out straightening books/ magazines at other stores.  It is part of who I was allowed to become.  A bookseller.  

My lanyard (minus the name tag) filled with pins I collected promoting books.

Conclusion of My Life and the Bookstore

In January of 2005 I started to notice a customer that was tall, cute, and very thin.  He was always in the Sci Fi / Fantasy section of the store which happened to be near the cash wrap.  I being the upstanding employee made sure to go to him and find what he may be looking for.  (Yes, I flirted with the guy. Flirting actually helped in selling books to men.)
It became a regular occurrence that he would be in the store.  Very well dressed also with dress shirt and pants and a tie.  What can I say?  I like men dressed up.  He started appearing more and more but seemingly only when I was working.  Then again that wasn't hard to do since I worked all the time.  In February I got my own apartment, I had never lived alone and was trying to figure out how to get my stuff moved.  It was also one of these days that there was a snowstorm and business was super slow.
In walks this guy (I didn't know his name yet).  As I was doing work up front he went to look at books and the girl working with me - a friend- apparently went back to him and told him "She's not dating anyone.  Just ask for her number already".  That was the day he asked and he called that night.   Of course I was trying to pack and he heard me.  Next thing I know he was offering to help me move since he had a truck.  So that was kind of our first date I suppose. 
So we continued to hang out until I finally asked if we were a couple.  He said yes (trust me it was hard to tell).  That July was the release of another Harry Potter book and another midnight event.  He got to be a temp worked at the store that night.  In between prep work and the opening my friends/ coworkers and I joked about me being pregnant.  A week later I found out the joke was on me.  I was and found out before my shift when I took the test in the bathroom there.
Two months later I found a ring in my locker when I was getting ready to leave work.  Justin didn't really say anything just waited in the doorway for me.  Though that I guess was my proposal.  We had already arranged to take the same week off for vacation time and that allowed us about a month to plan to get married.
The next to last week before I left on maternity leave I was working when I went into labor. Ironically I was putting up the Family Life endcap which was basically pregnancy books.  I joked that I was such an efficient worker that I even went to the hospital and had our first daughter before the end of my shift.  I went back to work after the 12 weeks were up though I had given up my AM position. 
About 4 or 5 months later I became pregnant again.  Feeling like I robbed my first daughter out of time to be the baby I had started to consider leaving work.  It was when I switched shifts with someone and that night my daughter said her first work that I knew it was time.  It became too real that I would have missed it if I had worked that night. 
Leaving was hard but I always felt I would go back after the kids were in school.  My youngest is now in Pre K and goes half day but next year she will be full time.  I was a year away from going back to a job I loved, to a place that holds so much meaning to me. In fact we were customers only but it was there that I went into labor with our second daughter also. 
So I get that most people are not that connected to the store.  That people only want to makes jokes about the closings, speculate, and get deals but it holds a lot of memories and meaning to me.  There are many other stories I could have added to this blog but since it already ran long I have kept them to myself. It really has been hard for me.  I tear up still and last night I learned that Waldenbook stores will close in 14 days.... now 13 days.  Hopefully I will make it back in time to take pictures to share with my girls the story of where our family began. 

Part 3 of My Life & The Bookstore

After everything with Gordon and the break up settled I was hit by another "bomb".  The assistant manager that meant a lot to me decided to leave and pursue another job.  I was going to miss her..... a lot.  She helped keep the job fun for me. 
So we now needed a new A.M.  Hooray!  I got the new job with a raise and vacation time.  It was great.  I was now full time every week and made enough money to get out of most of the debt that I had.  I also started paying rent to my mother which meant I would get more freedom. 
I filled my time with work or when work was over reading tons of ARCs (Advanced reader copies).  I also started spending time going out with friends from work. 
In this time I decided the doctor I was seeing about my panic and depression didn't really care.  He seemingly prescribed the same drugs to everyone.   I called him on it one day when I was made to leave work to meet him to get my refill.  That was the day I decided to just stop taking my Paxil.  Really not the best way to stop a drug but I can be feisty sometimes. : ) 
I started to tell myself I was cute.  I started to believe it. 
I changed things I was eating and would cycle on an exercise bike for 30 to 45 minutes everyday after work. I was losing weight, I was happy, things were looking up. 
Then I started dating another guy, Alton.  I wasn't looking for anything.  I had seen him in the store several times and he was at the doctor the day I decided not to go back.  I was upset about the whole incident I had and was crying out of frustration.  He saw me and invited me to hang out some time. 
Next thing I  know we are a couple?  It's hard to say what we were - if ever officially a couple.  The people at work, many that were now friends outside of work also, started to see the badness before I did.  He would be around nonstop for a while then I wouldn't hear from him for days.  He didn't even send a message saying he needed some time alone or anything.  It was so up and down.  He also had me paying for everything.  I even cooked and cleaned his kitchen one night while he played video games online.  What was wrong with me?  I sit here and can not believe I didn't see it as a problem. 
He ended up moving about 45 minutes away and had sent me an email that was pretty jerky.  Saying we were never going to be anything more than friends, and a bunch of other things.  Including putting things on me.  So he left and I went back to hanging out with friends from work.  We were having fun and everything was going great once again.

Part 2 of My life & The Bookstore

Our mall has pretty high rent agreements.  No surprise that stores started to just shut down leaving one end pretty empty.  Then the local Walmart decided to become Super Walmart  and bought the majority of space making the remaining stores move.  Yep we were set to move.

For one week, I still worked but not with the public.  We were moving the store cartload of books at a time.  Also cleaning and assembling the new store.  Lots of work but very enjoyable.  Now at the same time my mother and I were moving about 30 minutes from where we were.  So there was a lot of moving going on for me at this time.

I had been in a relationship that wasn't too healthy.  I couldn't really see it at the time though. We had moved in together by accident.  My mother had been drinking, which she hadn't done when I was growing up, but it was excessive.  She hadn't liked my new boyfriend because even though the previous one had been abusive she wanted him to be around.  One night out of no where while Gordon (the new one) was there she just came in my room and said nothing, just glared.  It was a hard time and he told me to stay with him.  That I didn't deserve this. (There had been other times and things said).  So I left and stayed with him, fully planning on moving out of his place and in with a friend.  Well she had one reason after another as to why the apartment we were going to rent wasn't ready.  He and I just sort of stayed together, we wanted to be together.  Somewhere after 2 years he changed.  He changed and blamed me.  There were lots of tears and hurt.  One night I couldn't take the hurt and wanted to die.  I had the knife but looking at my dogs watching me I couldn't.  That was the night the cutting started though.  A few months later after daily therapy I moved into my cousins house.  We no longer lived together but we were together.

Eventually it seemed like he cared.  I would stay with him some nights at our old place.  After a while I moved back.  Without a word, he stopped coming home. He also had moved out.  So I couldn't afford the place myself and moved back in with my mother.  Which is why I was now with her in her move.  Thing is we were moving to a place that was near where Gordon lived but I, his still girlfriend, didn't know where that was.  Even after we moved it took weeks before he told me that we actually were at the bottom of the hill he lived on. 

Once the story opened again I was made the new key holder.  I could open and close the store and I guess it's like a shift manager.  With that came a slight raise so I could start paying off all the bills that were left in my name from living with Gordon and also from the months of not being able to work. 

The store had already become like home to me.  The manager and assistant manager were fun and caring.  They understood me and my hurt.  I became more and more a bookseller.  The great thing was reading so many books not just the ARCs but also being able to sign out books.  Yep, when you work for Borders you can sign out books, read them, and if you keep them in resell able condition bring them back.  So you may have bought a book that I read.  : )

Now the people knew about Gordon and I.  They heard the phone conversations while on my breaks, saw him when he'd pick me up or drop me off,  heard the stories.  If they had seen the unhealthiness of us they never said it. Would I have even listened? 

In June of 2004 I found out Gordon had cheated on me.  I called before work and he didn't want to talk about it.  I have a great sense about this stuff and made him tell me.  He said he had met someone over the weekend.  Now, in his story we were not a couple but everyone who knew me knows the truth.  He called, we'd still see each other all the time, he even had started talking about us moving back in together.  Then this. 

I feel apart.  I called and told them I was sorry and couldn't work.  I told them what happened.  Instead of chastising or giving me a hard time in any way they said not to worry and asked about how much time I might need off.  They then called back a few minutes later.  Not for anything work related but to see about coming to get me and working out that I would stay with the assistant manager, Sandie.  They knew things were rough between my mother and I and also about the cutting.  These people were not just co workers, they cared and had discussed how to keep me safe.  

A Blog That I Haven't Wanted To Write- Pt. 1

Last week it was announced that Borders Group Inc was folding.  Many people did not realize but Waldenbooks was owned by them.  With the end of a business all stores must close, and that is where it gets hard.

I worked for our local Waldenbooks (store #1055) for several years.  Years in which so much took place.  The closing has been hard for me -  yes, I have cried about it, in fact I choke up now.  Maybe it seems odd or over dramatic but I really am feeling a loss.

To start, I had agoraphobia that started with my panic disorder in late 2001.  As you may have guessed, with that comes great bills but since I could not work, I had no money.  So finally after enough meds built up in my system I started to work at a store in the mall.  I ended up working so little hours there that I made maybe $75 in two weeks.  So I took another job for the holidays working at Waldenbooks which was right next to the store I already was working in.  I generally worked out in the Kiosk during this time for them selling for Day by Day Calendars (yep another one I bet you didn't know Border's had).  By the beginning of January my time was up and I was let go.  Turns out the store I was working in was closing and would be out by the end of January.

I was lucky that one of the regular employees was leaving to fight the war on terrorism and they needed a new person to take his place.  So two weeks after I was let go, I was rehired.

I was still part time but made in one week what I was getting in two at the previous store.  Plus, I got a discount on books!  Great for a nerdy girl like me. 

I'm pretty sure at first my new job was at risk.  I was very shy and hated approaching customers because I didn't really know many of the authors they were looking for.  One man asked where John Sanford was and I must have had a deer in headlights look because the Assistant Manger, Sandi, told me Mystery.  So I took the gentleman over to the mystery section.  Honestly, when i had to ask what I could help people find, in my head I would be wishing them to say nothing, they didn't need help, they knew where it was, etc. 

There were monthly reviews when I started and it was one of my areas to improve upon.  I must have started to hold in that fear because I remember while shelving books the Manager, Annette came out and said since I had been trying harder that I could have the copy of an advanced reader that came in.  I can not remember exactly which book it was but it was from The Anita Blake series by Laurell K Hamilton.  (A Vampire Book from before Twilight made them sparkle). 

Eventually I got more comfortable, read the magazine the came in telling of authors and up coming releases, hours of looking up and shelving books, etc  that I felt confidant  that I knew the who, what, when, and where of books and authors.  My next hurtle was the Preferred Reader card. 


Remember those?  $10.00 a year saved you 10% each time and helped you accrue points that would then turn into $5.00 coupons.  They really did pay for themselves if you were an avid reader / customer.  I would get about 3 of those coupons a year and I could not use the card and my employee discount.  Well for some reason I could not get people to buy them.  I wasn't confident in the sales pitch and would often OVERsell it until it didn't get sold.  It also took a while before I got the hang of up selling (adding that 1 more item). 

I am very lucky that I got the hang of it and that I had bosses that were there to help and teach me.

Conquered